Update on the phallic, un openable tea: we opened it with a sharp knife and scissors. Only to find the tea was literally a stick of solidly packed tea leaves wrapped in like dried reed leaves (or something… Maybe bamboo?). It is literally a blunt weapon. We had to find separate packaging for it (airtight container). This was the worst tea present ever, as my family has agreed.
We literally had to use like a cleaver to cut the rod of tea leaves in half to get it to be small enough to fit in a container.
My parents are both pastors and once I was fucking this one dude who’s dad was the pastor of the rival church and he whispered ‘talk biblical to me’ so i started reciting Psalms 23 and we ended up getting into a competition of who could recite the most bible versus before they cummed
My mom is an A+ translator to mandarin. My dad is more of a C or B because he gets too excited and speaks in dialect too, or really he just doesn’t explain what’s being said and just replies on his own or stares at us like we’re supposed to understand. Oops.
You know what I hate? When people get pissed off when you tell them you don’t want them to touch you. Like excuse me, I don’t actually want you to touch my arm. I don’t want a hug right now. I don’t give a shit if you’re family. I don’t care if the phrase “I don’t want to be touched” puts you off. Just don’t fucking touch me.
i can’t believe people get so angry about a bisexual spider-man. whatever. have your shitty bi/homophobic opinions. you’re an asshole anyway. i just can’t believe you’re robbing everyone of all the glorious ‘swings both ways’ jokes
American Airlines’ number (1-800-433-7300) is only one number away from a SEX HOTLINE (1-800-633-7300) IM NOT FUCKING KIDDING MY FLIGHT GOT CANCELED SO I HAD TO CALL AMERICAN AIRLINES AND THE LADY WROTE IT SO THE 4 LOOKED LIKE A 6 SO I CALLED IT AND THIS LADY JUST GOES ”MMMMM IVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU IM SO HORNY” IM LIKE IM SHIT THIS ISN’T AMERICAN AIRLINES FUCK